Families Don’t Have to Match
On a very humid night in May my wife and I were sitting with our good friend Bobby Bowen, who is a missionary in Uganda. I was ready to slip into a fried chicken induced coma, but somehow, I managed to come out of it long enough to have a good conversation with her. She referred to us as a “James 1:27” family, and that sent me into a long train of thought afterward. I knew in the back of my head that fostering and caring for those who need it most had strong roots within scripture, but I hadn’t linked the two together yet. As time went on, we began to pray for our children in a strategic way, rooted in the gospel. We began praying for God to move in their lives. After almost two years of being in our home, our daughter, Emmy, was adopted by my wife and me. It was a very bittersweet occasion. The fact that we were adopting her meant that two other people were unable to get their lives straightened out to the point that they would be deemed as “acceptable,” but it also meant that God had sent this little girl to us to parent for the rest of her life.
We all have a new identity and are given an inheritance we didn’t earn. —Josh Shaffer
As time led up to court where the adoption would take place, I was trying to prepare us for the reality that was ahead. I wish that I could recite word for word what was vowed and pledged in court, but I can’t. In a way it was like a blur of emotion. Time both stood still and moved at lighting fast speed. In the blink of an eye, Emmy went from being an orphan to being a Shaffer. She was now granted a new name and a new outcome in life. Nothing would be held back from her. She now had every right and every inheritance that was due to her in her new family. She was one hundred percent changed, just like that. The parallels to legal adoption and adoption into God’s family are very similar. We all have a new identity and are given an inheritance we didn’t earn.
As I write this, Emmy is currently making a mess in the living room and has stolen my iPad for the day. She doesn’t clean the house or contribute to the family income. She doesn’t help me repair anything within the home or mow the grass. Judged purely on her worth to me as an asset, she doesn’t make the cut. But through grace and adoption, she is one hundred percent safe and well within this family and will never be cast out into the world without us. She will always be a Shaffer and nothing in this world will be able to pull her away from our love. I am her father, and she is my child.
Amongst her are two other girls that are in our home and are waiting to be adopted as well. They don’t yet legally share her last name or her inheritance, but they are loved no less than her. The clock is ticking down to the day that they will be adopted into the Shaffer family as well. When that day comes, we will kill the fatted calf and have a party. By that I mean we will get pizzas and gather with our closest friends and family and celebrate them “coming home” officially. I wish more than anything that all my children would have been born into my family and that no hardship would have fallen upon them but that is not the case.
My oldest daughter who came to us less than a year ago has faced more pain and suffering than most of us will ever know. Before I met her, I was finished with the foster care system and everything that came with it. One evening we agreed to help watch two girls that were being fostered by another woman that my wife knew. The lady was not able to keep both sisters and the result was one of them would have to be placed elsewhere, and maybe in a group home. We agreed to let her stay with us for the meanwhile, but during that time God was making plans. I could hear God speaking loudly to my heart. He was saying that we could give this young lady a chance to thrive and have a family. It breaks my heart still, and when I think about it my stomach still hurts to think what could have been with her. What I do know is that she will probably be adopted this year and that she will be given what every child deserves: a real shot at life. She can go to college, have a stable family, and not be forced to work a job to afford food. I know that she will be safe and well cared for, she will have a family that loves her unconditionally.
Lastly, there is the baby of the family. Legally, I can’t talk a lot about her. I’ll just say that we are well pleased in how far she has come and that she has a long way to overcome some development issues. God is good and He knows what He is doing. There is no doubt that God sent her to us to teach my family some lessons. Lessons about prayer, faith, and learning to lean on brothers and sisters within our church family. When I think about how far she has come it makes me also compare where she could have been. If she would have gone into the same environment in which she was conceived, she may not have been given any additional help. In considering how difficult it has been for her and for my family, I often wonder what makes it all worth it in the end? We didn’t have to do what we did for her. Our family looked complete from the outside but without all the correct pieces, the puzzle simply doesn’t fit together. God saw me and my family before any of us were even born, and he decided how it would look, not us. It’s a sad and lonely thought, the idea that we would only be a family of three: Kayla, Colton, and I. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for the blessing of the family that he has given to us.
Things within the foster care system are at times troublesome and there are moments that you feel like you are losing your faith and your mind. Make no doubt that in order to foster children correctly you must be willing to take a step back from yourself and look at God. When you look at God and what he demands from his children, you can see that there is something so good about a time in life that is so broken. I don’t know where my family would be if we only had Colton, our biological son. Life may be a lot quieter and calmer, but it wouldn’t be our family. Will and Amanda Basham are good friends of ours. They are also a family made up of their biological children and children that they have adopted. Once when we were at their house, Amanda was wearing a shirt that said, “Families don’t have to match.” Families don’t have to match and that’s the plain truth. Family is family and that is purer than almost anything. Within God’s heart we are all his children and there is no difference between us. Likewise, no child in my home is better than the other.
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.”
—John 15:12
There are many children in the foster care system and if you are thinking about making a difference just remember these next words. The highs are so high because the lows are so low, but always, God is with you, and you are never truly alone. Think about what the gospel says in John 15:12, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you”. How we love matters, and how we love our children will last long into the future after we are gone. I was talking to one of my very good friends this morning after church. He and his wife are also foster parents to a little one. They have court tomorrow and are joyous because there will likely be a reunification happening. It made me think how wonderful it is that they were loving like Jesus. Sometimes in the foster care world it is easy to adapt an “us versus them” mentality with the biological parents. Especially if we are going into foster care with the mentality that adoption is a must. There are often different outcomes and often the legal aspect of it all gets messy. Don’t get me wrong though, adoption is a wonderful thing if it is your goal and even if it’s not. Adoption is wholesome because everything about the child within the eyes of the law is no longer as it was. When we adopt, we must be willing to share with the child everything. Nothing will be held back – name or inheritance, just as it is with God when we are adopted into his family. We will all share in the kingdom as if we were naturally born unto him through a process that we cannot do on our own, resulting in an outcome that we don’t deserve. That is what adoption is, it’s a means to an end. The end of uncertainty, a soothing of pain, and the hope of a better future.
Don’t all of God’s little children deserve the right to a future?