No More Lonely Pastors
Because ministry is “people work” you’d think that pastors would have as many relationships as anyone. And yet, for a variety for reasons, pastoring can be very lonely work.
According to one Lifeway Research survey more than half (55%) of pastors say being in ministry makes them feel lonely at times. However, pastors must not resign themselves to this and forego the desire for deep relationships. Rather, they must prioritize deep relationships and seek them out, both inside their local congregation and with other pastors. This is at the heart of Small Town Pastors, a ministry to pastors in rural communities throughout Missouri and Illinois. It didn’t begin out of a desire to start a new ministry though. It was simply an attempt to make meaningful connections with other brothers in the trenches.
In 2013, the First Baptist Church of Elsberry (MO) called me to be their next pastor. The church was in need of revitalization and was practically a replant. In the nine years I’ve pastored here we’ve changed everything about the church but the name! The Lord gave me a dear brother in the church from day one who eventually came to serve as an elder. However, I still experienced a lot of pastoral isolation. For starters, our community is isolated from others. But on top of that, I felt a disconnect from other pastors as I was easily 20-30 years younger than all the other men serving in my town. Next, there were the theological/methodological differences between the various denominations locally, but as reformed Baptist, I even found quite a difference theologically/methodologically with the other pastors in town. Add to this that I was pastoring the “First Baptist Church,” a long established church in a rural community, not a sexy church plant in a growing area, I felt very alone and unrelatable.
“Small Town Pastors was simply an attempt to make meaningful connections with other brothers in the trenches.” —Sam Byers
Five to six years into my pastorate, a brother about fifteen minutes up the road who had been youth minister at his church for ten years or better, became pastor and I decided to reach out to him about lunch and try to forge a more meaningful relationship. About the same time, a member of our church told me about the youth minister at their former church who had planted a church in a small town about 30 minutes away. So, I reached out to him and asked about doing lunch. Finding that I enjoyed my time with each of these men, I decided to get the three of us together and see if they’d hit if off too. What I discovered was we needed this, we needed each other, and it only took a little effort from someone to make it happen. What followed was a strategic effort to identify more brothers who would benefit from mutual encouragement. I jumped Google maps and searched for every rural church within an hour radius. If I could find a website or a Facebook page, I would try to identify the pastor and see if he’d be interested in meeting me for lunch or setting up a meeting via Zoom. Being a Baptist, I started with Baptist churches, but didn’t limit myself to those. I also didn’t try to leave older men out, but found that younger men (45 and under) were generally more receptive to relationship. And as I would make a new connection, if I enjoyed our time together, I would invite him to join the next lunch with the other pastors. Eventually, this became a monthly invitation to more than 20 brothers within an hour drive of my church building.
Over the past three years, this monthly lunch has developed into a bi-monthly conference (in different locations), virtual cohorts, and a pastors retreat. But our lunch hasn’t gone away. Generally, on the second Tuesday of each month at noon you can find a group of pastors gathered in my church’s kitchen drinking coffee and shooting the breeze as others arrive. Once we’re all there, which could be five men or 15, we’ll thank God for our food and everyone will grab a boxed lunch from a local diner in town that our congregation foots the bill for. After everyone has had the chance to take a few bites, I’ll make some announcements and then someone will start us out and begin to share what the Lord has done, in their personal life, family, or ministry, that we can celebrate together. Brothers will also share a challenge or burden in one of those areas and then, depending on the set up of tables and the turnout that day, someone next to them will pray for them on the spot or we will pray a little later on in groups. We’ve also broken up in smaller groups and gone through some other questions and prayed for each other as well. But we always connect, always get an update, and always pray for one another. We’re typically done by 2 p.m., but it’s not unusual for brothers to linger for another 30 minutes to an hour. And the reason why most men are usually not in a huge hurry is because 1) they’ve made the drive and want to get the most out of it and 2) this is a safe place where we’re all okay in Jesus with nothing to prove and no flexing or shame; we’re loved and cared about. It’s good balm to a pastors lonely and often weary soul.
“A healthy pastor will be a better pastor.” —Sam Byers
Maybe you have something like this in your life that you’re part of. If so, praise God! Maybe you have access to something like this that you haven’t prioritized and you’ve felt too busy to commit to. If so, cut something out or push something off. Avail yourself of this grace of God for your own good and the good of your ministry. A healthy pastor will be a better pastor. Maybe you don’t have anything like this where you live and your heart has been warmed as you’ve read this by the idea of sharing life together with other pastors in this type of way. Who knows, but that maybe it’s God’s plan to use you to lay the groundwork and make the connections not only for your own benefit, but for the benefit of other rural pastors and churches where you live. What are you waiting for? Pray and ask the Lord for favor, then jump on Google maps and get to work!
We all need relationships and in the Lord, that’s exactly what we’ve been given. Let’s take advantage of the gift of each other and go the distance for the Lord together!